Bob Bacon #1

Congressman Bob Bacon Cooks the Books

The smell of sizzling pork belly wafted through the aisles of Big Fred’s Feed & Firearms, a Missouri institution where customers could buy a fifty-pound bag of deer corn, a case of ammo, and a family-sized pack of bacon all in one stop.

Congressman Bob Bacon—a self-declared fiscal watchdog and lover of all things pork—stood behind a makeshift grill near the checkout, flipping thick slabs of meat while grinning for photo ops.

A bright red campaign banner stretched across the table:

                                                              "BOB BACON: BRINGING HOME THE SAVINGS!"

Underneath, the words "DOGIE WORKS! LESS FRAUD, MORE BACON!" were printed in bold.

Bob loved a good cooking metaphor, especially when it came to "trimming the fat" from government spending.

A small crowd gathered as Bob wiped his sweaty forehead with a grease-stained napkin, nodding as an elderly farmer rambled about how kids these days didn’t know the value of hard work.

Just as Bob was about to slap another greasy strip onto a paper plate, a deep voice cut through the smoke.

"Hey, Congressman! Got a minute?"

Bob turned, still gripping his spatula, and found himself face-to-face with Joshua Hollyman, a 42-year-old truck driver and father of three. He had the weathered look of a man who spent too much time listening to talk radio, but unlike most of Bob’s usual supporters, he had done his homework.

"Always got time for the good folks of Missouri!" Bob said, slapping Joshua on the back. "You here for the bacon or the savings?"

Joshua chuckled. "Depends. You gonna give me real numbers, or are you just cookin’ the books again?"

Bob forced a laugh, his grip tightening on the spatula. "Come on now, I ain’t cooking the books!"

"Yeah? Then let’s talk DOGIE."

Bob tensed for half a second before flashing his signature "trust me" politician grin. "Great program! Saved us billions by cutting government waste! It's the kind of thing hardworking folks like you appreciate—less fraud, less spending, more bacon!"

Joshua folded his arms. "Alright, Bob. Let’s break this down. DOGIE claims it’s saved over $55 billion, but when you add up all the numbers on their site, it totals only $7 Billion

Bob waved his spatula dismissively. "But even 7 Billion, that’s real money when you think about it at scale!"

Joshua raised an eyebrow. "At scale? Come on, man. We’re talkin’ $7 billion while y’all are handing out $2 trillion in tax cuts to billionaires.

Where’s the fraud, Bob? Where are the criminal charges?"

Bob took a massive bite of bacon, chewing dramatically to buy himself time.

Finally, he swallowed and cleared his throat. "Well, Joshua, these things take time. Fraud investigations are complicated. Sometimes, you gotta root out the bad apples before you can—"

"Wait, wait," Joshua interrupted. "So y’all found $7 billion in fraud but haven’t arrested a single person? That make sense to you?"

Bob laughed nervously. "Not all of it is fraud, per se—some of it’s just inefficient spending. Waste. You know how it is."

Joshua shook his head. "Nah, I don’t. Because last year, y’all swore there were millions of illegal immigrants stealing Social Security numbers.

Where are the arrests, Bob?"

Bob shifted his stance, suddenly sweating more than the bacon grease. "Well, Joshua, you gotta understand—we don’t always have to prosecute wasteful spending. Sometimes, we just redirect funds."

Joshua let out a low whistle. "Ahh, so you cut benefits for actual Americans instead of locking up the so-called fraudsters. Got it."

Bob forced another laugh. "Now, now, let’s not be dramatic. The real savings come from stopping waste before it happens!"

Joshua smirked. "So, basically, you’re just making up numbers."

Bob nearly choked on his bacon. "Absolutely not!"

Joshua tapped his phone. "Well, DOGIE’s own site shows that without USAID cuts, the real savings are closer to $2 billion. That’s 66 cents a month per American. What do you say to that?"

Bob’s eye twitched. "Look, Joshua, it’s not about the math—"

Joshua scoffed. "Bob, it’s literally about the math. You expect me to believe Republicans found massive fraud, but nobody went to jail? Either the fraud ain't real, or y'all are terrible at your jobs."

Bob grabbed another strip of bacon and shoved it in his mouth. "I’m tellin’ ya, Joshua—DOGIE is working."

Joshua smirked. "Uh-huh. And I bet this bacon’s vegan too."

A couple of onlookers snickered. Bob’s grin faltered. "You know, Joshua, you’re starting to sound a little... liberal."

Joshua laughed. "Nah, Bob, I’m just paying attention. Maybe you should try it sometime."

Bob pretended not to hear that. "Hey, anybody want more bacon?" he called, desperately changing the subject.

As Joshua started to walk away, he passed a small group of men standing near the ammo aisle. They were whispering, shaking their heads, and watching Bob with skeptical eyes.

One of them—a retired Army vet named Leon—clapped Joshua on the shoulder.

"Man, you really lit him up," Leon chuckled. "Dude sweats more than a hog in July when you press him on numbers."

Joshua laughed. "He’s got no answers, Leon. Just slogans."

Another man, Gary, a former factory worker, spoke up. "You know what’s funny? They’ll tell you we’re ‘saving billions,’ but my nephew—he’s a Marine—just got told they’re cutting his housing stipend."

Joshua frowned. "Wait, what?"

Gary nodded. "Yeah, but Bob ain’t talking about that. They cut actual benefits for troops, for seniors, but oh, don’t worry—DOGIE saved us 66 cents!"

Leon shook his head. "And they expect us to cheer?"

Joshua sighed. "Yeah. But I got a feeling people are starting to wake up."

Leon nodded. "Midterms are coming."

Gary smirked. "Better stock up on bacon while you can, Bob."

The three men laughed, leaving Bob Bacon sweating over his grill, serving up false promises on a paper plate.