Donold J. Grump #12

Melanomia.

He tapped his fingers on the table, each tap echoing louder in his ears than the last. Across from him, Sparky lounged with his molten gold eyes narrowed in amusement, a curl of smoke rising lazily from his nostrils.

“Still stuck on her, huh?” Sparky rumbled, his voice cutting through Grump’s haze.

Grump’s fingers froze mid-tap. He let out a long breath, his tone laced with frustration. “It doesn’t add up, Sparky. It just doesn’t add up.”

Sparky tilted his head, his tail flicking. “What doesn’t?”

Grump jabbed a finger at the name. “Melanomia. Disloyal? No way. I brought her over, Sparky. From Ukraine. I gave her everything.”

“‘Everything,’” Sparky echoed, his grin widening. “Let’s unpack that, shall we?”

Grump straightened in his chair, his diaper crinkling noisily as he shifted. “When I found her, Sparky, she was... well, she wasn’t just anyone. She was top-tier. High-class. An elite.”

Sparky raised an eyebrow. “Is that what you’re calling it now? Elite?”

Grump’s cheeks flushed, and he waved his hand dismissively. “Details, Sparky. Irrelevant details. What matters is that I saved her. Plucked her out of obscurity and gave her a life most people could only dream of.”

Sparky leaned forward, his molten eyes gleaming. “Obscurity, huh? Pretty sure those photos weren’t obscure.”

“They were tasteful!” Grump snapped, his voice rising. “Tasteful! Fashion lingerie. Nothing trashy. Classy stuff. The kind of photos that showcase a woman’s elegance, her beauty, her... her...”

“Her price?” Sparky offered, smirking.

Grump’s face darkened. “That $$$$ was just a placeholder, Sparky. It meant she expected the best. Deserved the best. Which I provided.”

Grump leaned back, spreading his arms as if presenting a prize. “Look around, Sparky. Maga Logo. Private jets. Diamonds bigger than her fist. The best food, the best clothes. I made her Mrs. President Grump. Do you know what kind of prestige that carries?”

Sparky tilted his head. “A lot, I’m sure. But let’s be real, Donny. Did she really sign up for the full Grump package? Because, from where I’m sitting, the ‘package’ might be a little... extra.”

Grump frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Sparky grinned, smoke curling from his nostrils. “I mean the diaper phase, Donny. The paint-splatter art. The... extracurriculars.”

Grump bristled. “The diaper is swaddling clothes, Sparky. Biblical. And the paint is a masterpiece. As for the rest...” He hesitated, his voice dropping. “...it comes with the territory.”

“Ah, the territory,” Sparky said, his grin widening. “Let’s talk about that. How many others are we talking? You know, besides Emptee Gee?”

Grump crossed his arms defensively. “Emptee Gee doesn’t count. That was situational.”

“Situational,” Sparky repeated, his tone dripping with amusement. “You really love that word, don’t you?”

Grump ignored him, his voice growing louder as he rattled off his reasoning. “Look, a man in my position has certain... expectations placed on him. I can’t help it if women are drawn to me, Sparky. Power is magnetic. It’s science.”

“Science,” Sparky said, nodding mockingly.

Grump leaned forward, his tone conspiratorial. “I can’t just say no, Sparky. That would be rude. And besides, it’s not like I haven’t given Melanomia plenty of reasons to stay loyal. She knows the perks that come with being Mrs. Grump.”

“Sure, sure,” Sparky said, his tail flicking lazily. “But let’s get back to the list. Disloyalty confirmed, Donny. What do you think that says about her?”

Grump stared at the paper again, his jaw tightening. “It’s not true. Stevie must have made a mistake. His science isn’t perfect. Maybe the shoes were tampered with.”

Sparky raised an eyebrow. “You think someone tampered with the shoes?”

Grump nodded vigorously. “It’s possible! Democrats, probably. They tampered with the votes in 2020, they’ll do anything to make me look bad.”

Sparky chuckled. “Or maybe Melanomia just isn’t as loyal as you thought.”

Grump slammed his fist on the table, rattling the paper bags. “Impossible. She knows how good she has it. Why would she betray me?”

Grump’s voice grew softer as he stared into the distance, his thoughts swirling. “Maybe... maybe she’s confused. Women get confused, Sparky. They don’t always think clearly.”

Sparky snorted, smoke curling from his nostrils. “Right. Must be confusion. Couldn’t possibly be your, uh, ‘situations.’”

Grump ignored him, his tone growing more self-assured. “She’ll come around. She has to. Where else would she go? Who else could give her what I’ve given her?”

Sparky tilted his head. “Maybe she’s not looking for stuff, Donny. Maybe she’s looking for something else.”

“Like what?” Grump demanded.

Sparky grinned. “Oh, I don’t know. Respect? Attention? A husband who doesn’t call her an investment?”

Grump waved him off, his voice growing firm. “No. It’s not like that. She’s... she’s probably just going through a phase.”

Grump leaned forward, his fingers steepled. “I need to remind her, Sparky. Remind her of what she has. What she’d lose if she strays. I’ll do something grand. Something unforgettable.”

Sparky’s grin widened. “Like what? Another loyalty test? A parade in her honor? Maybe paint her a masterpiece?”

Grump hesitated for a moment, then nodded slowly. “A parade, Sparky. That’s it. A loyalty parade. For me and for her. To show the world that the Grumps are untouchable.”

Sparky chuckled. “A parade. Bold choice, Donny. Very bold.”

Grump smirked, his confidence returning. “Nobody betrays Donold J. Grump, Sparky. Nobody. Melanomia will see that soon enough.”