Donold J. Grump #18

King Grump's Revenge

Donold J. Grump strutted out of the ballroom with a spring in his step, his robe trailing behind him like the royal cape he always believed he deserved. Sparky, the shimmering, rainbow-scaled dragon visible only to him, perched proudly on his shoulder, his golden eyes glinting with approval.

“Did you see their faces, Sparky?” Grump chuckled, wiping a fake tear from his eye. “Priceless! Larry Dunn with his karaoke mic! Hodges with that foam door strapped to him like he’s auditioning for Home Alone!”

Sparky puffed out a small ring of imaginary smoke. “You really gave them a show, Donny. The roast of the century.”

Grump snickered. “It wasn’t just a roast—it was a five-course meal!” He paused, turning serious for a moment. “I just hope they had good health insurance. Not that it matters—I’m making sure their claims get denied.”

Sparky let out a low, approving growl.

Grump adjusted his crown as they strolled toward his suite. “I mean, Nathaniel Hodges? Complaining about a door injury? Please! What’s he gonna do, sue the hinges?” He wiggled his fingers dramatically. “Oh no, my precious pinky!”

Sparky cackled. “Maybe Larry Dunn will write a country song about it: ‘I Took a Door to the Face, and Now I’m Disgraced.’”

Grump slapped his thigh. “That’s gold, Sparky! Gold!” He wiped another fake tear from his eye as they reached the grand double doors of his suite. Two Secret Service agents nodded as they opened the doors, revealing the lavishly decorated room beyond.

Grump sighed contentedly as he stepped inside, kicking off his custom gold loafers. “Finally—peace and quiet.”

Grump tossed his crown onto the bed and made his way to the gold-plated vanity, where a freshly folded Grump-approved adult diaper lay on a velvet cushion. The diaper proudly displayed his grinning face on the back, framed by the words: "Greatness You Can Trust: $29.99—Hurry, Don’t Wait!"

He held it up proudly, as though showing off a national treasure. “Now this... this is branding.”

Sparky perched on the dresser, nodding. “You’re a marketing genius.”

Grump wiggled into the diaper with the grace of a man who’d never admit he needed assistance, then pulled on his faux ermine robe and placed his crown back on his head. He admired himself in the mirror. “King Grump... ruler of everything.”

He flopped into his throne-like armchair with a satisfied whump and noticed a silver tray on the side table. Atop it sat a perfectly wrapped burrito, still warm, the smell of mushrooms wafting through the air.

Sparky sniffed the air dramatically. “Smells... magical.”

Grump’s eyes sparkled as he grabbed the burrito. “Mushrooms? Someone knows the way to my heart.” He took a massive bite, and the world began to shift around him almost immediately. The walls glowed with an ethereal light, and the ceiling morphed into a swirling, starry sky.

His reflection in the mirror began to shimmer, and suddenly he wasn’t just Donold J. Grump—he was King Grump, Monarch of All Realms. His robe seemed longer, his crown heavier, and his throne expanded until it rivaled a cathedral in size.

Sparky grew larger as well, his wings spanning the room as flames flickered at the corners of his mouth.

Grump raised his hand imperiously. “Bring forth the traitors!”

From the shadows, a procession of familiar figures appeared. Liz Cheney—now renamed Eliza Cheney—marched forward, flanked by Alan Kinzinger, their faces defiant.

Grump’s eyes narrowed. “Eliza and Alan... you thought you could betray me? I should have you stuffed and mounted on display at Maga Logo!”

Sparky growled approvingly. “Do it, Donny. Make an example of them.”

Grump rose dramatically from his throne, pointing with a flourish. “OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!”

Eliza Cheney raised her chin defiantly. “You’ll never silence the truth!”

Grump laughed maniacally. “The only truth here is that you’re yesterday’s news!”

With a mighty roar, Sparky unleashed a torrent of imaginary flames. Eliza screamed as she was engulfed in the colorful inferno, disappearing in a puff of confetti. Alan Kinzinger followed, flailing his arms as Sparky swirled around him. Grump clapped with delight, bouncing slightly in his diapered glory.

Grump spun around, giddy with power. “Who’s next?”

The room shimmered as new figures materialized: Alan Schiff, Bernie Thompson, Jamie Baskin, Zoe Lofgreen, Juan Aguilar, Stephanie Murray, and Ellen Luria. They stood in a defiant line, arms crossed, their expressions stoic.

Grump’s laughter echoed through the room as he gestured wildly. “The whole gang’s here! It’s like a January 6th reunion special!”

Jamie Baskin stepped forward. “We stood for democracy, Donold. History will remember us as heroes.”

Grump raised an eyebrow. “Heroes? HA! The only thing you’re remembered for is boring the nation to sleep!” He mimed yawning. “Boo hoo, democracy’s fragile! Newsflash—it’s been fragile for centuries!”

Alan Schiff stepped forward, his voice steady. “The truth matters.”

Grump waved dismissively. “The truth? Please. The truth is whatever I say it is.” He turned to Sparky. “Burn him extra crispy!”

Sparky unleashed a spectacular blast of rainbow fire. Alan Schiff let out a dramatic scream, twirling like a character in a low-budget stage play before vanishing.

Grump clapped gleefully as one by one, the others were engulfed in flames. Zoe Lofgreen tried to run, but her feet became tangled in imaginary vines. Bernie Thompson bellowed like a lion before collapsing into a pile of colorful ash. Juan Aguilar tried to plead for mercy, but Sparky roared, silencing him with a final burst of flames. Stephanie Murray and Ellen Luria huddled together, shouting declarations of integrity before they, too, disappeared.

Grump slumped back into his throne, panting from excitement. The room shimmered as the last bits of imaginary smoke curled into the air.

Sparky perched back on his shoulder, licking his lips. “That... was a masterpiece.”

Grump adjusted his crown and smirked. “Damn right it was.” He took another bite of the burrito, savoring the taste of imaginary victory.

As the room’s glow faded and reality started to seep back in, Grump leaned forward, tapping his chin. “Next time, we add a dungeon. And maybe a moat.”

Sparky nodded approvingly. “You’re thinking like a true king, Donny.”

Grump raised his champagne glass, still sitting on the table. “To loyalty.”

Sparky clinked his invisible glass against Grump’s. “To you.”

The suite grew quiet again, but in Grump’s mind, the echoes of victory rang on.