Donold J. Grump #22

The Mad Messiah Encounter at the National Cathedral

The limo ride to the National Cathedral was meant to be a solemn moment for reflection, but President Donold J. Grump had no patience for anything so boring. Reclined on the plush leather seats, wearing his regal purple ermine robe and freshly polished crown, Grump was in full preening mode. Sparky, his hallucinatory rainbow-scaled dragon, hovered beside him, perched on the minibar like a smug gargoyle.

On a silver tray sat Grump’s “pre-tour snack,” a mushroom-stuffed burrito that glowed faintly with ominous energy. Grump eyed it with the hunger of a man who hadn’t met a carb he didn’t like.

“Sparky,” Grump said, lifting the burrito like it was a trophy, “this is why I’m the greatest president in history. Nobody eats better than me. Look at this thing—gold foil, stuffed with magic mushrooms, and classy.”

Sparky tilted his head. “Are you sure eating that before meeting a bishop is a good idea?”

Grump took a massive bite, chewing noisily. “Relax, Sparky. I’ve got the greatest metabolism in history. This will just make me sharper. Watch me blow her away with my divine wisdom.”

Sparky sighed. “If by ‘divine wisdom,’ you mean ‘delusions of grandeur,’ then sure.”

Grump ignored him, scarfing down the burrito in three enormous bites. By the time they arrived at the cathedral, he felt a faint buzz building behind his eyes, like the world had just switched to high-definition. He adjusted his crown and stepped out of the limo with a confident strut, ready to dazzle the masses.

The National Cathedral stood tall and majestic, its intricate stonework glowing in the late afternoon sun. But to President Grump, it looked... underwhelming.

“Eh,” he muttered to Sparky as they approached the entrance. “I’ve seen better. Needs more gold.”

Inside, they were greeted by the Very Reverend Dr. Mary Loving, a statuesque woman with sharp eyes and a calm demeanor. She extended a hand. “Welcome, President Grump. It’s an honor to have you here today.”

Grump squinted at her cassock, which was simple and black with no embellishments. “You call that an outfit? Where’s the bling? The sparkle? Sparky, do you see this? She looks like a backup singer for a funeral.”

Sparky snickered. “She could at least add a few sequins.”

Reverend Loving’s smile tightened, but her voice remained polite. “Shall we begin the tour?”

Grump waved her on. “Yeah, yeah, let’s get this over with. But first, any chance you’ve got a gift shop? I’m thinking, maybe, Grump Prayer Candles—only $19.99 a pop!”

The bishop blinked. “We’ll... discuss that later.”

As the tour began, Grump’s earlier burrito decision started to catch up with him. The cathedral’s high arches seemed to bend and twist ever so slightly, the stained-glass windows glowing brighter than usual. Sparky flapped his wings nervously.

“You okay, Donny? You’re looking a little... glossy-eyed.”

Grump blinked, swaying slightly as the bishop gestured toward the cathedral’s famous pipe organ.

“This organ is one of the largest in the world,” Reverend Loving said proudly. “It has over 10,000 pipes and has been—”

“Too big,” Grump interrupted, waving her off. “Nobody needs that many pipes. What is this, a plumber’s convention?”

The bishop’s mouth opened slightly in shock, but Grump wasn’t finished. “You know what you need? Karaoke. A little YMCA would bring this place to life. Maybe even a disco ball.”

Sparky grinned. “You could install a fog machine while you’re at it.”

The bishop tried to steer them to the next exhibit, but as Grump followed, the walls began to shimmer. The statues along the perimeter of the cathedral seemed to shift slightly in their niches, their heads turning to watch him as he passed.

Grump froze, staring at a marble statue of St. Peter. Its stone eyes seemed to glint with judgment.

“Hey... Sparky,” he whispered. “Did that statue just look at me?”

Sparky tilted his head. “Might be the mushrooms, Donny.”

The bishop continued her tour, oblivious. “Here we have the nave, where worshipers gather—”

Grump interrupted her, pointing at another statue. “Did you hear that? That statue just called me evil!”

Reverend Loving turned, her brow furrowing. “I didn’t hear anything, Mr. President.”

Grump jabbed a finger at the statue of a saint holding a scroll. “You didn’t hear that? He said, ‘Repent, sinner!’”

Sparky landed on Grump’s shoulder. “They’re statues, Donny. Holy ones. You’re not exactly their target demographic.”

Grump spun around, his robe billowing. “Sparky, burn them! Burn them all!”

Sparky hesitated, his scales dimming slightly. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Donny. These are holy relics. Even I have my limits.”

Before Grump could argue, the air in the cathedral grew heavy. A golden light filled the nave, and from the center of the room, a figure emerged. It was Jesus, glowing with an otherworldly radiance, flanked by angels wielding flaming swords.

Grump’s jaw dropped. “Is that... is that who I think it is?”

Sparky whispered, “Yep. The Big Guy.”

Jesus stepped forward, his gaze piercing. “Donold Grump, you have strayed far from the path of righteousness. It is time to repent.”

Grump blinked, then laughed nervously. “Repent? For what? Winning? Being fabulous? Sorry, buddy, but I don’t do loser talk.”

Jesus’s expression softened, but his voice was firm. “Love others as much as you love yourself.”

Grump’s laughter stopped. He squinted at Jesus, tilting his head. “Love others? That sounds pretty... woke. Are you sure you’re Jesus? You’re starting to sound like a Democrat.”

Sparky groaned. “Oh no, Donny. Don’t—”

Grump stepped closer, jabbing a finger at Jesus. “How about you stick to turning water into wine and helping the pathetic—I mean, the poor. Leave the real work to me.”

Jesus sighed, raising a hand. “You leave me no choice.”

The angels stepped forward, their flaming swords blazing as they surrounded Grump.

“Uh, Sparky?” Grump whispered.

“Yeah, Donny?”

“I think we should run.”

The angels lunged, and Grump let out a high-pitched scream. “I’M ON FIRE!” he yelled, swatting at his robe.

He took off down the aisle, tripping over his own feet as he sprinted for the exit. The angels gave chase, their swords leaving trails of golden fire in the air.

“Help! HELP!” Grump wailed. “My crown is melting! My robe!”

When he burst through the cathedral doors into the courtyard, he didn’t stop. His robe caught on a stone pillar and tore off, leaving him in nothing but his Grump-Approved Adult Diaper as he bolted toward the fountain.

With a dramatic leap, Grump dove into the water, sending a spray of droplets into the air. He sat there panting, his crown floating beside him as Sparky landed on the fountain’s edge.

“Well,” Sparky said, smirking. “That went about as well as expected.”

Grump glared at him. “Next time, breathe the fire!”

Sparky shrugged. “Not against holy swords, Donny. Even I have standards.”

Grump leaned back in the fountain, water dripping from his diaper. “This is why I don’t do churches.”