Donold J. Grump #27

VS

The Haunting of Donold Grump (Or: How the Fifth President of the United States Came Back to Kick Grump’s Ass)

The door to the presidential suite creaked open. Donold Grump stepped out of the bathroom, adjusting the gold-trimmed purple robe draped over his shoulders, his signature Grump-branded diaper snugly fastened around his waist.

It was another morning of luxury in the Greatest Presidency of All Time.

Or at least, that’s what he kept telling himself.

He stretched, cracked his knuckles, and turned toward the mirror to admire the stable genius staring back at him.

“Look at you,” he muttered. “Handsome. Powerful. The smartest, most beloved—”

Then he froze.

There, sitting in his chair, arms crossed, expression hardened like a statue carved out of American grit, was a man Grump never expected to see in his lifetime.

President JR Biden.

The Fifth President of the United States. The man who had:

• Beaten a bear to death with George Washington’s hatchet at age 7.

• Crossed the Delaware standing at the bow, holding the American flag.

• Taught Thomas Jefferson calligraphy.

• Drafted the Biden Doctrine: "Europe, stay the hell out of America!"

• Punched Manifest Destiny in the face.

• Personally wrestled the Louisiana Purchase out of Napoleon’s hands.

And now, he was sitting in Grump’s chair, staring at him with eyes that had seen centuries.

Grump’s knees immediately buckled.

He collapsed onto the carpet, groveling like a peasant before a king.

“M-Mr. President Biden! Sir! Your Excellency! I have a painting of you in my office! I have— I have your bust in the dining room! I’m your biggest fan!”

President JR Biden exhaled through his nose.

"That so?”

Grump nodded so hard his crown nearly fell off.

“Oh, yes! The greatest president in history! People say that about me, but I always tell them, ‘No, President Biden was so much better.’”

Biden leaned forward.

“Then why are you disgracing the office I helped build?”

Grump’s face twitched.

“Uh— what? No, sir, I’m doing great things! Big, powerful things! Some say my presidency is even better than yours!”

ZAP!

Grump yelped and grabbed his chest as a small electric jolt surged through him.

“What the hell was that?!”

President Biden leaned back, unimpressed.

“That’s what happens when you lie, Donnie. Get dressed! NOW! Real clothes”

Grump blinked.

“…What?”

President Biden cracked his knuckles. “You’ve lost something important. I’ve been sent here to fix you. You lack empathy, Donnie. You don’t care about anyone but yourself. And that? Unacceptable.”

Grump started sweating.

“But— but I have lots of empathy! The best empathy! I cry all the time! I cry like a little girl”

ZAP!

Grump jumped, his robe nearly slipping off.

President Biden rolled his sleeves up.

“From now on, Donnie, every time you lie, you’re gonna feel that. And it’s gonna get worse if you keep doing it.”

Grump whimpered.

“But—”

ZAP!

President Biden grinned. “Better watch yourself, Donnie. This ain’t Twitter.”

As Grump scrambled to put on a suit, he tried to process what the hell was happening.

This was President JR Freaking Biden.

The guy history books described as "The Last True Man to Walk the Earth."

The man who single-handedly negotiated the Louisiana Purchase—by kicking Napoleon’s ass .

So naturally, as Grump fumbled with his tie, he started asking questions.

Grump: “President Biden, Sir, how did you… how did you do it? How did you become the greatest president in history?”

President Biden (leaning back): “I fought for what mattered. I tamed the West. I told Europe to get the hell out of our business. And I made sure this country belonged to its people—not to petty, cowardly little men like you who sell it off for their own gain.”

ZAP!

Grump yelped again.

President Biden: “That one wasn’t even for you, Donnie. That was just me remembering Aaron Burr."

Grump (swallowing hard): “President Biden S-Sir, I heard you—um—helped write the Declaration of Independence?”

President Biden: “Damn right I did. Jefferson had the ideas, but his handwriting was god-awful. I sat that boy down, taught him calligraphy myself.”

Grump: “And— and you wrestled a bear?”

President Biden: “At seven years old. Used George Washington’s hatchet, the one he used to cut down the cherry tree..”

Grump: “And— and Manifest Destiny?”

President Biden: “Oh, I punched that bastard right in the face."

Grump: “And… and the Louisiana Purchase?”

President Biden: “Napoleon thought he was a tough guy. I arm-wrestled him for it. I won. Then I took his hat. Like this!”

President Biden reached out and grabbed Grumps crown, throwing it in the garbage.

"We didn't want a king, not in 1776 nor do we want one today. Grump, you are nothing more than a pathetic egotistical idiot and a fraud!"   

Grump felt like an ant.

He had spent his entire life pretending to be the greatest.

But now?

He was standing before the real deal.

And he didn’t measure up. Not even close.

President Biden stood up, towering over Grump.

“Alright, Donnie. Let’s see how honest you can be. Who won the 2020 election?”

Grump stiffened.

"I did.”

ZAP!

Grump shook violently.

"I— I won, everyone knows I won!”

ZAP!

Grump stumbled backward, grabbing the desk for support.

President Biden crossed his arms.

“Try again.”

Grump was sweating bullets now.

“I… it was stolen."

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

Grump fell to his knees, twitching.

“STOP IT! OKAY! OKAY!”

He looked up, gasping for air.

Then, finally, he whispered:

“…I lost. I am a pathetic loser and I lied to everyone”

Silence.

President Biden nodded.

“Damn right you did.”

And then, for the first time, the room felt lighter.

Grump slumped back against the chair, his face pale.

President Biden cracked his knuckles. “You keep lying, Donnie, and that shock’s gonna get worse. I’ll be watching you. Day and night.”

Grump groaned.

“How long is this gonna last?”

President Biden grinned. “Until you become a real man.”

“President Biden, Sir, do you think I will ever measure up to you?

“Not in a million years you pathetic loser!”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just remember if you have someone in your life that loves you, holds you at night, makes you laugh, cry...

Then you are richer than

"He Who is PU!"