Emptee Gee #1

The Mistress of DOGIE - Emptee swayed in the back seat of the taxi, her head resting on the cracked vinyl. Viviant, her shimmering dragon, fluttered on her shoulder, its tail curling lazily around her neck. She felt its warmth, like a tiny, magical scarf.

“Do you think the people will understand DOGIE?” she asked, turning her gaze toward the front seat. “Do you think they’ll feel its power?”

The cab driver glanced at her in the rearview mirror, unimpressed. “¿Qué?”

“DOGIE!” she repeated, throwing her arms in the air. “The Department of Glorious Internal Explosions. It’s my destiny. I’m going to change the world!”

The driver muttered something under his breath, clearly regretting picking her up.

Emptee leaned forward, ignoring his discomfort. “Have you heard of the Pilgrims? Of course, you have! They were the real Americans. Pure, disciplined, fashionable. I’m bringing it all back, you know. The collars, the hats… oh, Viviant, what do you think about buckles on the shoes? Too much?”

“Señora, por favor…” the driver said, shaking his head.

Emptee frowned, leaning back in her seat. “Fine. Keep your secrets.” She turned to Viviant, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. “He’s obviously part of the deep state.”

When the cab screeched to a halt in front of the hotel, Emptee threw open the door, stumbling slightly as her heel caught on the curb. The dragon hissed at the driver, and she nodded solemnly. “Good call, Viviant. He’s probably working for Biden.”

Inside the grand lobby, the marble floors gleamed under the warm light of a towering chandelier. Emptee paused to take it all in, her hands on her hips. “Magnificent. Fit for a Mistress of DOGIE.” She said the words aloud, savoring their sound. “Explosive.”

The sound of singing drew her attention. A semi-circle of junior high students, clad in matching sweaters, stood near the reception desk, their voices weaving harmonies through the opening lines of O Holy Night. The melody soared, pure and reverent, and Emptee froze mid-step.

Her lips trembled. Her hands flew to her chest. Tears spilled from her eyes. “Oh… oh my God!” she choked out, sinking to her knees. “It’s a sign. A holy sign!”

The children faltered, their voices dropping to nervous whispers. A chaperone rushed forward, bending down to her level. “Ma’am, are you alright?”

Emptee flung her arms out dramatically. “Don’t touch me! I’m receiving divine wisdom! President-elect Donold J. Grump is the new Messiah! He’s going to save us from Satan and restore the nation to its true beginnings—the days of the Pilgrims!”

A few of the children giggled nervously. The chaperone straightened, giving the security guards a helpless look. Emptee rose to her feet, shaking with emotion. “Praise be to the musket!” she shouted. “The AR-15 is dead! Long live the blunderbuss!”

Phones were raised, the glowing screens capturing every wild gesture. Emptee’s face was alight with purpose as she turned to the children. “Thank you for delivering this message. Your work here is done.” She patted one child on the head, ignoring his mortified expression, and strode toward the elevators.

Inside the cab, a young couple huddled in the corner, clearly hoping to avoid her attention. Emptee didn’t notice. She was too busy admiring Viviant, who perched in the top corner, inspecting her ideas with regal approval.

“Starched collars or slightly rumpled?” she asked Viviant. “Starched says discipline, but rumpled… rumpled says passion.”

The woman, unable to help herself, asked, “Who are you talking to?”

Emptee turned, smiling as if she’d been asked the most intelligent question in the world. “My DOGIE partner. She’s extraordinary.” Lowering her voice, she added, “It’s a power position. Explosive.”

The boyfriend stifled a laugh, disguising it as a cough. “Uh, good for you.”

“Thank you,” Emptee said with a regal nod. “The world will see soon enough.”

The elevator dinged open, and she stepped out, leaving the couple to collapse into nervous laughter.

Berry was waiting inside their suite, pacing in tight circles. When the door opened, he spun around, his face a storm of anger. “Emptee! Where the hell have you been? You’ve been gone for hours!”

She breezed past him, tossing her coat onto a chair. “Berry, you wouldn’t believe the revelations I’ve had. I’ve been blessed.”

“Blessed?” he repeated, his voice rising. “What are you talking about?”

She turned to him, her eyes shining with wonder. “Blessed with Grump’s child. My lady parts are consecrated now. They’re off-limits.”

Berry froze, his mouth hanging open. “Excuse me? Blessed with—what?! Are you telling me you cheated on me with Grump?”

Emptee waved a dismissive hand. “Cheated? Berry, it was Grump. It only lasted thirty seconds. It’s not a big deal.”

“Not a big deal?!” His voice cracked, his face turning an alarming shade of red. “You slept with him!”

“I don’t understand why you’re so upset,” she said, tilting her head. “He’s the Messiah. This is a divine calling.”

Berry’s hands flew into the air. “WHAT EVEN IS DOGIE?!”

Emptee didn’t answer. She turned back to Viviant, her voice softening. “Do you think Berry’s jealous? Maybe he’s not ready for muskets. Poor thing.”

“I’M NOT READY FOR ANY OF THIS!” Berry shouted. Grabbing his coat, he stormed toward the door. “You’re insane! I can’t do this!”

The door slammed behind him, and Emptee shrugged. “Men. No vision.”

She turned back to Viviant, her voice bright and cheerful. “Now, where were we? Ah, yes—Pilgrim Chic!”