Lauren Yogurt #1

Late Night with Maria Bizzarra-Rama and Lauren Yogurt

The screen fades in to the opulent set of “Late Night with Maria Bizzarra-Rama,” the nation’s most trusted late-night news program for viewers who enjoy their journalism with a side of tequila and a complete disregard for reality. The host, Maria Bizzarra-Rama, a woman who perpetually looks one margarita away from saying something that’ll get her fired, lounges behind her desk, her makeup slightly smeared, her sequined red dress reflecting off the studio lights like a disco ball.

Maria: (clutching a large glass of wine and swaying slightly) “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another edition of Late Night with Maria Bizzarra-Rama! We have a hell of a show tonight, featuring someone who manages to make headlines faster than I can finish a bottle of Cabernet—which is saying something!”

Maria: “She’s been caught groping in a theater, accused of spitting on Empty Gee, and she recently referred to Congressman Al Green’s cane as a—what was it again? Oh yes!—a ‘pimp cane’! That’s right, folks. Because when you think of the sophisticated world of American politics, obviously pimp culture comes to mind. Joining us tonight is the woman herself, Colorado’s own ‘Scandal Magnet,’ Congresswoman Lauren Yogurt!”

Maria: *“Welcome, Congresswoman Lauren Yogurt ! Or should I say—the gift that keeps on giving?”

Lauren: “Maria, Maria, Maria! You flatter me. I just tell it like it is.”

Maria: “Oh, I know you do! That’s the problem! Let’s start with the latest scandal. You called Congressman Al Green’s cane a ‘pimp cane.’ People are saying it was racist, ableist, and just plain ignorant. But, please, explain it to us simple folk.”

Lauren: “Look, Maria, the woke mob is at it again. It was a joke. I mean, have you seen that cane? It’s gold, it’s flashy—it looks like something straight out of a music video! If it were me carrying it, you’d all be saying it’s fabulous.”

Maria: “Mmm. Maybe. But, you see, Al Green isn’t you. He’s a Black congressman. And calling a Black man’s cane a pimp cane doesn’t exactly scream racial sensitivity.”

Lauren: “Oh, please! Pimps come in all colors! There are white pimps, Black pimps, Asian pimps—heck, there are probably vegan pimps in California. This is America!”

Maria: “Congresswoman, do you understand that calling someone a pimp isn’t exactly a compliment? Or are you just running a one-woman campaign to personally tank your own reelection chances?”

Lauren: (chuckling) “You call it ‘tanking,’ I call it owning the libs.”

Maria: “Oh yes, you own the libs. Just like you owned your date’s lap at that ‘Beetlejuice’ show. Let’s talk about that, shall we?”

"Congresswoman, your critics say this is part of a pattern with you—your crude comments, your public behavior, including what happened in a Denver theater…"

Lauren (smiling nervously): "Oh, now you’re bringing THAT up?"

Maria "Yes, let’s talk about what happened when you were caught groping your date during a family-friendly performance of 'Beetlejuice.'"

Lauren: "That was fake news! I wasn’t groping—I was simply enthusiastic about the arts!"

Maria "Congresswoman, you were literally removed from the theater for inappropriate touching."

Lauren: "Look, we got a little carried away! But it was dark, loud, and honestly, the music was so good I didn't even notice where my hands were going! Maria, I’m a very passionate woman. And when I’m into something—whether it’s defending gun rights or, uh…other things—I go all in.”

Maria: “Oh, we know you do. The whole damn theater knew you did. The security footage was basically a soft-core film! One minute you’re watching the show, the next minute you’re—how do I put this delicately?—doing a scene from Basic Instinct in the audience.”

Lauren: “Maria! You make it sound so scandalous.”

Maria: “Honey, the New York Post had to pixelate your hands!”

Lauren: “Like I said, passion.”

Maria: “Passion is one thing. But girl, you got kicked out because you were being too passionate! Security escorted you out—right after you flipped them off. Classy.”

Lauren: “Look, it’s not my fault Denver liberals are such prudes.”

Maria: "Oh, honey, liberal isn’t the word I’d use. You recently called Congressman Al Green’s cane a pimp cane. The internet went nuts. Some are calling it racist. Some are calling it ableist. And most of us are just wondering, why the hell would you say that?”

Lauren: "Look, Maria, the woke mob is out of control. I saw a cane, it was gold, it looked pimped out, and I said what everyone was thinking!"

Maria: "Everyone was thinking it? Honey, I think you might be confusing your Twitter replies with real life again."

Lauren: "Maria, let's be honest here. Have you seen Snoop Dogg? Have you seen the way these rappers dress? It’s flashy! It’s blinged-out! All solid muscle, very brilliant, wear sunglasses indoors, giant gold chains, big fur coats—like that guy, uh—what’s his name? Sleepy Joe? Or Rick Ross? These guys literally look like pimps!"

Maria: "Oh my God. Lauren, do you—do you actually think dressing flashy makes someone a pimp?”

Lauren: “I mean… doesn’t it?”

Maria: "No, sweetie, it does not. By your logic, Liberace was a pimp!"

Lauren: “Wait—he wasn't?”

Maria: "Okay, okay. Let’s move on before my brain leaks out of my ears. Since we’re talking about Congress, explain this to me: Why was Congressman Al Green censured for absolutely nothing, but you and your spitting partner in crime, Empty Gee, keep getting away with everything?”

Lauren: “Because we’re winners, Maria.”

Maria: “That’s not an answer.”

Lauren: "Okay, fine. It's because the deep state wants to take down conservatives. But we’re too strong!"

Maria: “Mmm-hmm. So just to be clear—Al Green gets censured for… existing while Black, and you two literally spit at each other on the House floor and nobody does a damn thing?”

Lauren: "Politics is a contact sport, Maria."

Maria: "Sweetie, politics is supposed to be debate, not a trailer park fight / family reunion at a Fourth of July barbecue."

Lauren replies "Oh, c’mon, Maria! Everybody loves pimps! They’re entrepreneurs! They run a business! They create jobs! I mean, have you ever seen Hustle & Flow? It’s hard out here for a pimp!"

Maria reminds her that pimps are criminals. They exploit people. They engage in human trafficking. This is not a compliment."

Lauren: "Well, back in the old days maybe, but these days, it’s kinda like calling someone a ‘boss’ or a ‘player.’ It’s cool now! Like how people call me a ‘MAGA Queen’!"

Maria: Congresswoman, Congressman Green is nearly 80 years old and uses that cane because of a medical condition. You didn’t think before making that comment, did you?"

Lauren: "Maria, I think way too much. That’s why I’m in Congress!"

Maria’s left eye twitches.

Lauren "Honestly, I think more members of Congress should embrace pimp culture."

SILENCE.

Lauren "I—what I mean, we already got people whoring themselves out for votes, so why not?"

SILENCE.

The entire studio goes dead quiet. A producer in the background audibly gasps.

Lauren (slowly): "Congresswoman, you just—did you just compare Congress to a brothel?"

Lauren: "Oh, c’mon, Maria! We all know D.C. is a swamp! Some of these people are practically walking street corners for donations! I mean, have you seen how much lobbyists throw at these people? In fact, I think Congress should embrace it. Just go all in! Give out official 'Patriot Pimp Canes' at the next Republican fundraiser!"

Maria "WHAT?!"

Bobbin reaches off screen and holds up a red, white, and blue cane with the words “TRUMP 2028: THE REAL BIG PIMP” engraved on the side.

Lauren: "Check this out! I had these made last night! They’re gonna sell like crazy!"

Sandra Reel rips out her earpiece as producers frantically wave their arms.

Maria "Okay, we’re… we’re going to a commercial break."

Lauren Bobbin is still talking, but her mic is cut. The last thing viewers hear before the screen fades is:

Lauren: "I MEAN, LOOK AT GEORGE SANTOS!"