Tulsa Gibbons #1

Misdirector Extraordinaire at OMNI

The Office of Misdirection of National Intelligence, affectionately referred to as OMNI, had been through some questionable leadership over the years. But nothing had prepared it for Tulsa Gibbons, President Donold J. Grump’s latest appointee as the Misdirector of National Intelligence.

Tulsa, a blonde bombshell with a dazzling smile and a mind like a half-loaded Google search bar, had been plucked from political obscurity by Grump himself. She was the perfect fit for his administration: loyal, photogenic, and utterly lacking in the skills required for her position.

Her credentials were... unconventional. As the former chair of the Honolulu Neighborhood Watch Committee, she had once convinced local residents to install fake surveillance cameras to deter crime, a plan that ended with the cameras being stolen. But President Grump didn’t care about her résumé.

“Tulsa’s a winner!” he had declared during her swearing-in ceremony. “She knows all about misdirection. She’s like a magician, but better—because she’s hot!”

And so, Tulsa had taken the reins at OMNI, ready to lead America’s intelligence community into an era of peace, candy-filled piñatas, and a lot of very confused spies.

The OMNI Redecoration

Tulsa’s first act as Misdirector was to give OMNI a makeover. Gone were the intimidating war maps, military insignias, and portraits of past directors glaring down at staff. Instead, the walls were repainted in calming pastel colors, and inspirational posters now adorned every surface.

One poster in her office read, “Think Globally, Spy Spiritually,” while another featured a picture of a dove with the caption, “Espionage with Empathy.”

Tulsa had also replaced the Situation Room with a Relaxation Room. The room featured yoga mats, lavender-scented candles, and a playlist of ambient whale sounds. Tulsa believed that stressed-out spies couldn’t make good decisions, so she mandated mandatory meditation breaks and “vibe checks” every afternoon.

Her crowning achievement, however, was the installation of a Muffin Bar, where agents could grab complimentary muffins to “sweeten international relations.”

Tulsa’s Intelligence Philosophy

Tulsa’s leadership style was unconventional, to say the least. She saw herself not as a traditional spymaster, but as a visionary who would revolutionize intelligence gathering.

At her first staff meeting, she outlined her philosophy:

• Step 1: Replace Spying with Asking Nicely.
  “Why sneak around,” she said, “when we can just ask other countries to share their secrets? Everyone loves a friendly approach.”

• Step 2: Use Bake Sales for Diplomacy.
  Tulsa believed that global conflicts could be resolved with a good old-fashioned bake sale.
  “Cookies bring people together!” she explained. “How can you launch a missile when you’re eating a snickerdoodle?”

• Step 3: Espionage with Empathy.
  Under Tulsa’s leadership, spies were required to attend weekly workshops on “non-judgmental surveillance” and “listening to adversaries with your heart.”

Every week, Tulsa was required to deliver an intelligence briefing to President Grump, a task she approached with a mix of enthusiasm and blissful ignorance.

On this particular day, Tulsa entered the Oval Office carrying a brightly colored folder labeled “Top Secret (But Cute).” Her megawatt smile was in full force, and she was practically skipping as she approached Grump, who sat at his desk wearing his signature purple robe and Grump-Approved Adult Diaper.

Sparky, the imaginary dragon who existed only in Grump’s mushroom-fueled hallucinations, perched lazily on the corner of the desk. His shimmering scales reflected the sunlight streaming through the windows, and he gave Tulsa a suspicious glance as she sat down.

“Tulsa!” Grump barked, slamming his hands on the desk. “Do you know how important this briefing is? I don’t have time for small talk—I’m a very busy man. Saving America doesn’t happen by itself!”

“Oh, Mr. President, you’re so amazing,” Tulsa gushed. “You’re the reason America is so great. Everyone loves you!”

Grump puffed out his chest. “Of course they do. Now, what’ve you got for me?”

Tulsa opened her folder and pulled out a piece of paper decorated with smiley-face stickers.

“Well,” she began, “I consulted the Magic 8-Ball this morning, and it said, ‘Outlook unclear, try again.’ So I shook it again, and it said, ‘Signs point to yes.’ Which means we’re definitely winning!”

Grump stared at her, his mouth hanging open. Sparky snorted. “Wow, Donny. She’s consulting toys for national security advice. Really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.”

“Quiet, Sparky,” Grump muttered. “Tulsa, what about Basher Al-FakeIt? Is he up to anything?”

“Oh, I sent him a vibes check,” Tulsa said confidently.

“A vibes check?”

“Yes!” she chirped. “It’s like spying, but instead of sneaking around, you just feel the energy. And his vibes were… tense. Definitely tense.”

Grump rubbed his temples. “Tense. That’s it?”

“Well,” Tulsa said, flipping through her notes, “I also sent him a box of chocolate truffles with a note that said, ‘Let’s be friends.’ I’m waiting for his response.”

Sparky burst out laughing. “Oh, this is rich! Donny, you’ve got her bribing dictators with candy.”

Just when Grump thought things couldn’t get worse, Tulsa dropped her boldest proposal yet.

“So, Mr. President,” she began, “I’ve been thinking about how we can de-escalate nuclear tensions.”

Grump perked up. “Good! Nukes are important. Very big. What’s your plan?”

Tulsa beamed. “We replace them with piñatas.”

Grump blinked. “Piñatas.”

“Yes!” she said, clapping her hands. “Think about it! Piñatas are colorful, fun, and full of candy. Instead of blowing each other up, we can just whack piñatas and get a sweet treat! It’s symbolic of breaking barriers.”

Grump’s face turned red. “Tulsa, this isn’t Build-a-Bear!”

“But Mr. President,” Tulsa said earnestly, “piñatas promote joy. And joy is the ultimate weapon against hate.”

Sparky howled with laughter. “Oh, this is priceless. Donny, your intelligence team wants to fight wars with candy sticks!”

Grump slammed his hands on the desk. “Tulsa, if Basher Al-FakeIt hears about this, he’s going to think we’re weak!”

Tulsa’s smile didn’t falter. “But what if we send him a piñata? It could be a peace piñata!”

As the meeting wrapped up, Stevie Boot-Liquor arrived to deliver Grump’s afternoon shoe-sniffing loyalty report. Tulsa’s eyes lit up when she saw him.

“Oh, Stevie! I’ve always wanted to see you in action!” she said, hopping out of her chair.

Grump waved dismissively. “Yeah, yeah. Stevie’s the best. He sniffed out three traitors last week.”

Tulsa giggled and kicked off one of her designer heels, holding it out to Stevie. “Here, sniff mine! I’ve been dying to know if I’m loyal enough for Mr. President.”

Stevie hesitated for a moment, then knelt down and inhaled deeply. “Hmm… Notes of lavender. Loyalty level: 98%. Very impressive, ma’am.”

Tulsa clapped her hands. “Yay! Stevie, you’re amazing!”

As she slipped her shoe back on and walked out of the Oval Office, Stevie followed behind her, still sniffing the air like a bloodhound.

And as Tulsa returned to her pastel-painted office, she couldn’t help but feel like she was exactly the leader OMNI needed.