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If you haven't rewatched the Harry Potter movies lately, it is remarkable how similar the characters are to our current politicians.
Joe Biden fits naturally into the Dumbledore role: the elder statesman, wise but sometimes meandering in his delivery, with a long career of guiding others through turbulent times. Like Dumbledore, Biden has the aura of someone who has seen too much history and carries both the scars and the lessons forward. His style mixes compassion and pragmatism, with the occasional rambling anecdote that leaves his listeners both endeared and slightly bewildered. He embodies the mentor figure to the younger “Order of the Phoenix”–style Democrats, trying to rally them against the creeping tide of authoritarianism, while always holding onto the belief that goodness can prevail over dark forces.
Albus Dumbledore President Joe Biden
The Dark Lord reborn in golf pants. Obsessed with power, incapable of love, and constantly surrounded by sycophants who whisper flattery into his ear. Trump, like Voldemort, has built his following on fear, lies, and the illusion of invincibility — though in his case, the Horcruxes are legal loopholes, golden toilets, and a die-hard fan base willing to storm the Ministry itself if he commands it. Where Voldemort whispers “There is no good and evil, only power,” Trump bellows “There is no truth, only ratings.” His followers bend the knee not from respect but from fear of mean nicknames and Twitter tantrums.
Lord Voldemort Donald J. Trump
Dan Goldman slots neatly into the Harry Potter archetype: the younger, principled figure thrust into battles far larger than himself. Just as Harry became the face of resistance against Voldemort, Goldman has quickly become a recognizable fighter against authoritarian tendencies in modern politics. He’s sharp, idealistic, and often underestimated by opponents who assume youth and relative inexperience equal weakness. Like Harry, Goldman’s courage often outweighs the caution of those around him, pushing him into high-stakes fights where he insists on holding the line for truth and democracy. He represents the next generation’s hope, embodying both resilience and vulnerability in the political war of ideals.
Harry Potter Dan Goldman
Spineless, opportunistic, and forever groveling for the favor of his master. Pettigrew cut off his own hand for Voldemort; JD Vance fits neatly into the role of Wormtail: the eager sycophant who thrives by attaching himself to power. Once a self-styled critic of populism, he has now sold every principle he once claimed to hold, pledging loyalty to Donold Grump as if his survival depends on it. Like Pettigrew, Vance thrives in the shadows, whispering in ears and shifting allegiances to secure his own relevance. His ambition is entirely transactional, his usefulness measured only by how much flattery he can deliver and how deeply he can bury his nose into the robes of his chosen master.
Peter Pettigrew J.D. Vance
AOC embodies the sharp wit, unrelenting intellect, and fierce determination that make Hermione indispensable. She is the one constantly raising her hand with the right answer, reminding the room of what the facts actually are, and pushing her allies to act with courage. Like Hermione, she often finds herself underestimated by establishment figures, but her ability to cut through noise and present compelling moral arguments leaves even her detractors grudgingly impressed. She is the conscience of the group, armed not with magic books but with statistics, historical context, and a keen sense of justice.
Hermione Granger Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
Mike Johnson slides easily into the role of Pius Thicknesse, the puppet leader controlled by darker forces behind the scenes. As Speaker of the House, Johnson carries himself with the veneer of respectability, but like Pius under Voldemort’s Imperius Curse, his strings are pulled by the far-right extremists and zealots dictating his every move. He is the figurehead of an agenda larger than himself, lending legitimacy to a project he neither originated nor fully controls, yet enabling it with his compliant obedience.
Pius Thickness Mike Johnson
Pete Buttigieg makes for a surprising but clever Ron Weasley. Like Ron, he’s often the loyal ally standing beside sharper, louder, and more dazzling figures, but his steady presence grounds the group. Buttigieg combines wit and quiet determination with a deep sense of loyalty to the larger cause. He may not be the flashiest figure on the stage, but his strategic calm and ability to bridge divides mirror Ron’s role as the steady hand between Harry and Hermione — the person who keeps the team cohesive when egos and tempers clash.
Ron Weasley Pete Buttigieg
Ron DeSantis parallels Lucius Malfoy almost too neatly: polished, ambitious, and dripping with entitlement. DeSantis presents himself as the cold strategist, always angling for influence and prestige, convinced of his superiority to those around him. Like Lucius, his carefully cultivated image hides deep insecurity — an obsession with proving himself to darker, more powerful patrons. He is forever seeking approval from the ultimate strongman, willing to debase himself if it means a shot at greater authority, while nursing resentment that he is not the chosen heir.
Lucius Malfoy Ron DeSantis
Jamie Raskin embodies the quiet wisdom and resilience of Remus Lupin. Like Lupin, Raskin is deeply respected for his intellect, patience, and humanity, traits sharpened by personal loss and hardship. He is the mentor-like figure who brings compassion and reason into even the most contentious debates, standing firm on principles without losing empathy. His voice carries a moral authority that doesn’t need to shout to be heard, reminding allies and opponents alike that decency and dignity are strengths, not weaknesses.
Remus Lupin Jamie Raskin
Wild-eyed, unhinged, and gleefully destructive. Bellatrix tortures her enemies for fun; Pam is Voldemort’s most rabid devotee, gleeful in her cruelty and armed with binders full of redacted “evidence.” She revels in the chaos, willing to destroy reputations and conjure nonsense spells of “witch hunt” and “rigged” to defend her master. Much like Bellatrix, she thrives in spectacle — a woman whose manic loyalty makes her as dangerous to allies as to enemies.
Bellatrix Lestrange Pam Bondi
Adam Kinzinger channels the spirit of Sirius Black: rebellious, passionate, and fiercely loyal once he commits to a cause. Sirius was an outcast within his own family of dark-aligned pure-bloods, and Kinzinger found himself similarly estranged from his own party when he chose principle over tribal loyalty. Both men carry the weight of exile and betrayal but find strength in standing for something bigger than themselves. Kinzinger’s fiery rhetoric and willingness to risk his career echo Sirius’s defiance against Voldemort’s followers — even if it means isolation or personal sacrifice. His presence in the story is one of tragic nobility, the fallen prince turned dissenter.
Sirius Black Adam Kinzinger
The sharpest witch in the room, Pelosi slices through chaos with wit and strategy. Like McGonagall, she is underestimated by those who confuse age with weakness, only to find themselves outmaneuvered before they even know a battle has begun. She enforces discipline, marshals allies, and terrifies her enemies simply by raising an eyebrow, or a gavel!
Minerva McGonagall Nancy Pelosi
A brooding presence, outwardly loyal to the Dark Lord but always with his own hidden agenda. Snape’s ambiguity keeps everyone guessing, just as McConnell coldly calculates his moves to maintain power while pretending to serve a “greater good” (spoiler: it’s always himself).Mitch McConnell embodies Snape’s dark ambiguity and cold calculation. Both are masters of strategy, playing long games while cultivating an aura of secrecy and mistrust. Snape straddled the line between Voldemort and Dumbledore, while McConnell has often straddled the line between old-guard conservatism and Trumpist opportunism. His ability to manipulate rules, stall processes, and weaponize silence mirrors Snape’s knack for withholding just enough information to control outcomes. Though neither man inspires warmth, they command grudging respect for their effectiveness. McConnell’s stoic demeanor makes him the perfect Snape — inscrutable, ruthless, and always three steps ahead.
Severus Snape Mitch McConnell
Lockhart’s endless vanity and fabricated achievements find their mirror in Rubio. All photo-ops, no substance, he eagerly positions himself as a great hero while praying no one asks him a hard question. His smile is dazzling but empty, his speeches long but hollow, and his political survival is based purely on self-promotion.
Gilderoy Lockhart Marco Rubio
Protective, fiery, and with a backbone of steel. Molly Weasley’s “Not my daughter, you bitch!” is echoed in Warren’s sharp rebukes of corruption and Wall Street excess. She is the matriarchal figure determined to keep the family — or democracy — safe. Elizabeth Warren radiates Molly Weasley energy: fiercely protective, practical, and unwilling to back down when her family — or the nation — is threatened. Warren, like Molly, balances warmth and nurturing with a ferocious temper that can erupt when lines are crossed. Whether it’s Molly’s iconic duel with Bellatrix or Warren’s viral takedown of Wall Street malfeasance, both women embody the idea that “mother bears” can be the fiercest defenders of justice. She is the moral heart of the resistance, the one who insists that care, fairness, and protection of the vulnerable must remain central even in the darkest times.
Molly Weasley Elizabeth Warren
John Fetterman perfectly mirrors Hagrid’s towering, intimidating presence combined with a surprisingly gentle heart. Both men defy expectations: Hagrid looks like a brute but is tender and loyal, while Fetterman’s rugged, hoodie-wearing exterior conceals a thoughtful advocate for working-class Americans. Like Hagrid’s love of misunderstood creatures, Fetterman embraces outsiders and champions causes often dismissed by the establishment. He’s gruff, straightforward, and refreshingly authentic, the kind of figure who wins trust not through polish but through sincerity. His presence is a reminder that strength and compassion can coexist in unlikely forms.
Rubeus Hagrid John Fetterman
Mischievous, disruptive, and happy to humiliate the Dark Lord with elaborate pranks. Fred and George brought humor into dark times, much like The Lincoln Project gleefully skewers MAGA with biting ads designed to make Voldemort — er, Trump — lose his composure.
Fred & George Weasley John Stewart / Stephen Colbert
Kirsten Gillibrand parallels Ginny Weasley as someone often overlooked at first, but underestimated at great peril. Like Ginny, she’s proven she can hold her own in a fight, wielding sharp instincts and a knack for standing up to bullies. Gillibrand has carved out a reputation for herself as a fighter for women’s rights and accountability, much like Ginny steps into her power as a bold and formidable witch who won’t be pushed into the shadows. Both are proof that resilience and quiet determination can transform a supporting character into a central force.
Ginny Weasley Kirsten Gillibrand
Like Narcissa, she cloaks herself in the image of refined conservatism — the coiffed hair, the polished drawl, the “Southern family values” presentation — but underneath is a ruthless instinct to guard her faction’s survival at any cost. In public, she plays the role of the dutiful aristocrat of MAGA, constantly reminding everyone of her proximity to power and her devotion to “the family” (Grump). Yet, like Narcissa risking Voldemort’s wrath to protect Draco, MTG’s loyalty is ultimately self-serving: less about ideals, more about keeping her own position and her chosen clan safe. She can turn from icy composure to shrieking defiance in a heartbeat, and her manipulations carry the same cold calculation as Narcissa’s whispered lies in the Dark Lord’s ear.
Narcissa Malfoy Marjorie Taylor Green
If Greyback was a feral werewolf who gloried in blood and chaos, Steve Bannon is his beer-soaked American cousin. Unkempt, unwashed, and exuding menace, he thrives in destruction and sees democracy itself as prey. His speeches foam with growls, his plans drip with nihilism, and he always smells faintly of whiskey and wildfire.
Fenrir Greyback Steve Bannon
Lauren Boebert is a pitch-perfect match for Alecto Carrow: cruel, erratic, and obsessed with enforcing ideology through fear and spectacle. Alecto’s role as a sadistic professor who delights in punishing students echoes Boebert’s performative cruelty in politics, where she thrives on confrontation and provocation. Like Alecto, she is more interested in wielding power than understanding it, often lashing out with reckless abandon. Her volatility makes her dangerous not because of strategic brilliance but because of her unpredictability. In this world, she represents the unhinged face of authoritarian enforcement — always eager to sneer, punish, or mock those who resist.
Alecto Carrow Lauren Bobert
As Rita Skeeter thrived on gossip disguised as news, Jeanine Pirro thrives on slurred monologues dressed up as “legal commentary.” With quill — or microphone — in hand, she spins scandals out of thin air, inserting herself into the story while pretending to report it. Her animagus form isn’t a beetle but a wine glass.Rita Skeeter, the gossipmonger with a venomous quill, is perfectly cast as Jeanine Pirro. Just as Rita would twist facts into scandal for the Daily Prophet, Pirro has made a career out of turning televised rants into sensationalist headlines. With her piercing voice, theatrical outrage, and unrelenting need to insert herself into every controversy, she embodies Skeeter’s gift for taking a kernel of truth and inflating it into an operatic scandal. Both thrive on drama, scandal, and the appearance of inside knowledge — even when accuracy is a distant second to spectacle.
Rita Skeeter Jeanine Pirro
Kid Rock embodies Amycus Carrow’s brutish, swaggering cruelty. While Alecto sneers, Amycus bullies — and Kid Rock thrives on a similar brand of chest-thumping bravado. Like Amycus, he seems less guided by ideology than by a love of chaos, cruelty, and domination. His persona as a caricature of rebellion gone sour makes him an apt stand-in for one of Voldemort’s most gleeful enforcers. In the satire, he is the loud, crude background presence who adds menace not through intellect but through sheer, reckless force. He thrives on intimidation, echoing Amycus’s thuggish devotion to spreading fear.
Amycus Carrow Kid Rock
Matt Gaetz fits Draco Malfoy to perfection: smug, entitled, and always riding on the coattails of family connections. Like Draco, Gaetz thrives on being the loudest in the room, even when his arguments are shallow or his power borrowed. His sneering arrogance, desperate need for validation, and penchant for stirring up trouble make him the quintessential spoiled antagonist. Just as Draco oscillates between cowardice and bravado, Gaetz’s political career mirrors the same instability — blustering when backed by power but shrinking when confronted alone. He is the comic villain whose very pettiness underscores the absurdity of the larger battle.
Draco Malfoy Matt Gaetz
Smiling with saccharine smugness, Sanders embodies Umbridge’s cruelty wrapped in pink bows. Her speeches drone with authoritarian monotony, cloaked in “family values” but dripping with control and censorship. Behind the cloying voice lies a bureaucratic tyrant, eager to stamp her seal of approval on every regressive law.
Dolores Umbridge Sarah Huckabee Sanders
The forgotten Trump son, Eric skulks in the shadows, nursing jealous rage at always being second to his dimmer yet more flamboyant brother. Like Crabbe, he is thick with resentment, scheming to be recognized as the true mastermind but forever tripping over his own insecurities. His bitterness makes him dangerous — a hanger-on who dreams of betrayal.
Vincent Crabbe Eric Trump
